Great Leaders Are Great Coaches — Part 4: Assertive Coaching
The type of people that you wanna do life with, the type of people that you wanna work with, they don't trust what's nice. They trust what's true. You can say a bunch of flattering things to appease someone's current interest, but if it's not actually in their best interest, we know, man, you're sacrificing what is true just to say what is nice, and we will not follow that person, not sustainably over time. Okay. We're jumping back into our conversation on the five coaching qualities.
Alex Judd:Qualities. And, specifically, today, we're gonna be focusing on what it means to be an assertive coach. And this is all kind of rooted in that belief that the highest calling of a leader is to unleash the best in others. And within that, we, as leaders, get to wear many hats. We we wear the hat of vision caster, of mediator, of CEO, of manager.
Alex Judd:But I believe one of the most effective hats that you can wear and impactful hats that you can wear as a leader is the hat of coach. And we talk about and train five qualities of effective coaching, relational, curious, assertive, directional, and principle based. And each of these five qualities are not meant to compete with each other. Rather, they're meant to complement each other. So today, we're jumping into the lesson on assertive coaching.
Alex Judd:This is incredibly powerful because sometimes I think this is done incredibly poorly in the coaching industry that is the industry that we operate in. But, also, if we take it just in the leadership in general, sometimes we don't understand both the freedom and opportunity that we have to use assertions if framed for the right reasons and in the right way. Effective coaching is assertive. Now what does assertiveness actually mean? Well, to be assertive means that you're disposed to or characterized by bold or confident statements and behavior.
Alex Judd:So when you, as a person, are assertive, you're confident, you're able to speak boldly, you're able to be directive. And when you, as a coach, use assertive language or use assertiveness as a quality, it means that there are times chosen with wisdom and discernment where you don't ask a question, rather you make an assertion. You say something that you believe is true. You counter what someone is saying. You actually have an opinion of your own, and you have some subjectivity in the situation that you're in.
Alex Judd:Now I've already kind of alluded to this. This actually runs counter to what some of the industry that we operate in actually believes. They believe that your role is just to reflect what the other person that you're coaching is actually telling you. And I just think that's crazy. Right?
Alex Judd:If someone is going in the wrong direction, of course, one of your goals might be to help them identify the flaws in their thinking on their own through curious questions and great listening. However, there are times chosen with wisdom and discernment, properly placed with the right motive, that sometimes it's best for you to say, that's wrong, or I don't believe you're thinking about this correctly, or I don't think you're doing the right thing here. You have opportunities to be able to be assertive if you know when to use them. There are times when the best way to serve someone is not through your questions, but rather through your statements. And this is crazy because this comes literally on the backside of an entire episode that we just did on the value and power of curiosity.
Alex Judd:And what I want you to understand is it's not mean you're either gonna be a curious coach or you're gonna be an assertive coach. What I want you to understand is there's a tension to be managed between when to be curious and when to be assertive. Now what we have to be really on the lookout for is that when we get into this topic of assertiveness, there is a fine line between assertions that are healthy, helpful, and productive and assertions that are unhealthy, unhelpful, and destructive. And what I will tell you is one of my greatest fears is that someone would take this episode and use it to make it assertions that are unhealthy, unhelpful, and destructive, and they call it leadership. Being bombastic, being someone that just throws a bowling ball into someone's life and leadership, being someone that doesn't have any patience or any wisdom or any ability to listen to other people, That's not healthy assertiveness.
Alex Judd:That's not actually even coaching. What we wanna do is we wanna choose when and how to make assertions that are healthy. Number one, they're conducive to the person stepping into who... More of who they were created to be. They're helpful.
Alex Judd:Number two, they're actually gonna give them practical things that they can do, not just put them down. And then finally, they're productive. They produce good fruit and good results. So within that, we have to have a great deal of discernment and wisdom. Specifically, I say that because we need to have wisdom if we're gonna understand which of these qualities to use in which moment that we're in.
Alex Judd:What I can't do is tell you here's exactly when you need to be curious, and here's exactly when you need to be assertive. That would be impossible. That manual would go on forever, and it still would be inadequate. So what I can't do is give you that. What I can do is help us walk together to understand principles and overarching realities that represent wisdom of how God created us, how God created the world, how God created people.
Alex Judd:And within that understanding of wisdom, we can grow in our own ability to make decisions about when to be curious and when to be assertive. Wisdom in so many ways is how to properly and effectively and productively operate in the circumstances that you find yourself. And so here's the way that I wanna format this episode. I want us to ask the question, what do healthy assertions look like? Because to the degree that we can get a vision for what they look like and understand how they operate when they're healthy, helpful, and productive, well, then we can hopefully start practicing them.
Alex Judd:But here's what I want us to understand and kinda unpack about assertiveness in coaching. Assertiveness, number one, is rare. Number two, is trustworthy. Number three, it's humble. Number four, it's principle based.
Alex Judd:So let's break these down. Healthy assertions are rare. What I want you to know is that there is an economy to your assertions. What I also want you to know is that inflation is rampant right now. And so, you probably know what inflation is because you experience it every day as this...
Alex Judd:As as a citizen in The United States for the past few years. Right? It means that the value of the dollar is decreasing because of the sheer amount of liquid capital that's in the economy right now. Right? And so anytime there's not any scarcity of a particular resource, the value goes down.
Alex Judd:There's an economy to our words, and specifically, there's an economy to our assertions. And the more that we use, the less valuable that they become. So what we need to understand is our assertiveness should be rare. And we're the type of person that every room we walk into, every conversation we engage in, every time someone interacts with us, we're just making these bold, bombastic, confident statements and directives about what should happen, what needs to happen, what someone should be doing, the advice that they should be taking, and and we just slam people with just advice after advice after advice. We're not actually helping people because the value of every recommendation goes down with everyone that you use because you're basically just like a one trick pony.
Alex Judd:It was really interesting. I I, whenever I first got into the world of coaching, I would be on these mastermind calls with a bunch of CEOs. And at that time, I was just a a content junkie. I would be reading so many books and listening to so many podcasts, and I've studied business and leadership a lot. And so people would ask these questions, and we'd have conversation.
Alex Judd:And literally, someone would ask questions, and then I would give them a list of, like, four things that they should read and three things that they would listen to. And what I started to realize is that's not actually helpful to do that. It may be true that all of those books would be so wonderful for the person and what they're walking through right now, but this person isn't gonna go read four books on this on this topic. And so because I gave them four books, they were actually more likely to read no books. And so what would be better is me to tell them, hey.
Alex Judd:I I just wanna make a recommendation to you. This one book would be really valuable for you to read on this particular topic. Now I've even gotten to the point where I will literally... I've had people that I will coach at Path for Growth that I'll be talking to them. Something very specific will stand out.
Alex Judd:I'll give them a piece of directive advice and assertion, and and then if it lands, I'll say, okay. I'm gonna send you. So I'm gonna send it to you a copy of this book, and you don't need to read the whole book. I just want you to read chapter four. Right?
Alex Judd:And because it's like the assertion is not just me showing everything that I know about the given topic we're talking about, but rather the thing that's catered for them, it's healthy, helpful, and productive, more often than not, they end up reading that chapter. And so I'd share that with you just to understand that, man, your assertions actually lose value when you make a lot of them. And so one kind of practical note with this is watch out for the number of times you're saying the word should. You should do this. You should be doing this.
Alex Judd:You you should make sure you do this. Oh, man. Make sure you do this. Right? If you give people a bunch of directives as part of a conversation, they're probably gonna stop talking to you, number one.
Alex Judd:But then number two, not actually gonna be able to take action because they're overwhelmed on all the things they, quote, unquote, should be doing. Next, healthy assertions are trustworthy. So people act on assertions whenever they trust the leader that made them. And how do you build trust? Well, we always say that relationships plus results over time create trust.
Alex Judd:So with relationships, the first question that they're asking is, if this person's gonna make such a bold statement about what I should be doing or the advice that they have for me or the directive of what's right or that something I said is not true, does this person actually care about me, or are they just grandstanding right now? Are they actually trying to draw attention to themself? We know this. Poster board Christianity that tells people what they should be doing on the side of the baseball stadium, right, and holding up a a a poster that says, like, what you should be doing and that you should be repenting and praying and all of that, Some of that stuff might even be true. Do you think it's effective?
Alex Judd:It's absolutely not effective because there's no relationship there, which is coincidentally and ironically, the the exact way that Jesus operated was in the context of real relationship. There's no relationship, and you're just making these bold, bombastic, most aggressive assertions, and it... It's not conveyed that you actually care. And so the first thing people are always asking is, do they care? And that's the relationship.
Alex Judd:The second thing they're always asking if they're deciding whether or not to trust you subconsciously or consciously is can they do what they're talking about? Can they do their job? Can they get results? Do they live in a light? Do they actually believe what they're saying right now?
Alex Judd:And so if you wanna give healthy assertions, what you can't do is you can't be the person that says, well, I don't do this, but you should do this. That doesn't work. People will not follow that. And so as a coach, that kinda represents a limitation for you. You don't get to tell people to do things or that they should be doing things or that they should focus on things that you don't actually do.
Alex Judd:I'll tell you. The... What I always think about whenever I think about this principle of alignment is my cross country coach in middle school. You know, they would run us a lot in middle school. Like, we would do, you know, sometimes two practices a day, and it would be upwards of, you know, sometimes six, seven, eight miles.
Alex Judd:Right? They would run us a lot, and I'll never forget. He'd be so serious and intense and be getting us ready for the next meet coming up, and we would all go run. And meanwhile, he was horrendously overweight, and he would ride, in his golf cart next to us telling us to run faster. And I'll tell you, I was in middle school, so I wasn't that smart, but I looked at that and I said, something feels off here that he's overweight riding in a golf cart, and he's yelling at me to run faster and yelling at me that I can be doing more.
Alex Judd:It doesn't make any sense. You've gotta embody the assertions that you're making. It's why at Path for Growth, one of our core values is alignment. Right? We wanna make sure that we never get out over our skis and that we start advising people on things that we don't actually do.
Alex Judd:Healthy assertions are trustworthy. So it starts with the relationship. Do they care? Number two is results. Can they do what they're talking about?
Alex Judd:And then number three is trust. And what's the question associated with trust? It's whose best interest are they operating in? People need to have this belief internally if they're going to trust you that you are actually operating in their best interest. So how do you build trust with people?
Alex Judd:Well, this is connected directly to assertiveness. You tell people the truth in their best interest. I'm gonna say it again. How do you build trust with people? You tell them the truth in their best interest.
Alex Judd:This statement right here is for the person that struggles to be assertive because they don't like conflict or they don't wanna rub people the wrong way or or they're afraid of stirring the pot or or ruffling people's feathers. Here's what I've learned to be true. People, the type of people that you wanna do life with, the type of people that you wanna work with, they don't trust what's nice. They trust what's true. And what I mean by that is you can say a bunch of flattering things to appease someone's current interest.
Alex Judd:But if it's not actually in their best interest, something in our spirit feels shaken. And and and we know, man, you're sacrificing what is true just to say what is nice, and we will not follow that person, not sustainably over time. Or if we do follow that person, we're now creating a structure that's incredibly unsustainable because it's built on a lie. And so what we have to get practiced in doing is telling people the truth in love. Next, healthy assertions are humble.
Alex Judd:Well, what does humble mean? To be humble is to have an accurate view of oneself. Right? If you are humble, it means that you don't view yourself as any smaller than you actually are. It also means that you don't view yourself as any greater than you actually are.
Alex Judd:It just means you have an accurate viewpoint of oneself. It's related to the Greek word humilitas, which literally means low to the ground. And so a humble assertion means that, man, if you're gonna make a humble assertion, you're gonna have an accurate view of oneself. So a humble assertion can say, like, listen. I do not know everything.
Alex Judd:Listen. I'm an outsider looking into your situation. Listen. I am by far, like, not an expert, but I wanna share this with you because it's on my mind. The other thing that we need to understand is, like, it probably would help us if we're being assertive to not just talk about our strengths or to pretend like we know everything or to pretend like we're an expert, but rather to talk about our failures, our insecurities, and our pitfalls.
Alex Judd:So when you're assertive, don't just talk about your accomplishments. If you want people to admire you, you can talk about your accomplishments. But if you really want people to connect with you and actually take action about what you're talking about, talk to them about your failures. Now one thing that can kinda come up is, well, does that actually compromise your trustworthiness as a leader? And I think the opposite is actually true because if you talk to someone about your failures, particularly about your failures that you've learned from, that's a person that I can relate to.
Alex Judd:Because it's a person that I can relate to, I can trust them, and that all starts with humility. Your willingness to say, my goal here is not to impress this person. My goal is to serve this person. Here's what I know to be true is I I was taught this years and years ago. It was at an event that a wildly influential motivational speaker was talking at.
Alex Judd:He said the the person with the most certainty always influences the other person. And and I actually think that's true. And that's kinda scary if you start to understand that is the person with the most certainty almost always influences the other person. And that's where we can get, into a lot of trouble with our assertiveness as a leader is because, man, we think that, man, if we start to recognize, if I communicate with absolute certainty on things, people will follow me. But, man, it's incredibly unhealthy and incredibly not humble to communicate with certainty about things that you aren't actually certain about.
Alex Judd:And, man, you can get yourself into a world of hurt and a world of trouble, and you can bring other people with you by talking about things with certainty that you actually have no control over and you don't know if they're going to happen. And while it's so tempting sometimes to say, this is the thing that's going to happen. This is what we're going to accomplish. This is what we're gonna be seeing a year from now. We can't actually control all those things.
Alex Judd:So rather, what I wanna communicate is, hey. This is the future that we're hoping for. This is why we think it's so worthwhile. This is why we think God is in it, but our job is not to control that future into coming to pass because we couldn't do that even if we tried. Our job is faithfulness.
Alex Judd:And so we're gonna start moving in that direction, and we're gonna pray for that outcome to occur, but we can't control outcomes. What we can control is our faithfulness today, and so that's what we're gonna be focused on. You see how we we don't hold the same level of certainty for the future, but we can still convey hope and vision and excitement, but it's more related to the actions that we can actually influence today. So do not speak with certainty about things that you aren't actually certain about. And then finally, healthy assertions are principle based.
Alex Judd:There... There's a whole quality that we're gonna talk about with regard to principle based coaching that's gonna be so powerful for us to walk through. But for the purpose of this episode, I I just wanted to tell you a story, and it's about the the first time that I interviewed Dave Ramsey. I I think I've interviewed Dave maybe three times whenever I worked for his company. And I'll never forget the first time was about to sit down with the CEO of our company, right, for an interview, I I I was nervous, man.
Alex Judd:I... And I was getting jacked up. It felt like the pressure was on. Right? And I really wanted to perform well.
Alex Judd:And I kinda had set my mind through the lens of, like, man, I better be prepared because Dave can be pretty bombastic. He can be pretty energetic. Like, this guy, you you listen to him on the radio. Right? He can be very animated, and I was, like, just kinda preparing myself for how I was gonna interact, engage, and respond with such a big personality.
Alex Judd:I'll never forget we went and did that first interview, and, gosh, it it was the exact opposite of everything I expected. He was very calm. He was very measured. I mean, his his volume really never got that high, and it was just like a very casual tone back and forth conversation. And and it certainly wasn't all that assertive.
Alex Judd:It was actually very, very kind of informal, just calm conversation. And I was like, what happened there? That was so different than what I expected and what I anticipated and then what I witnessed him a lot of times in the radio. And then the second time I interviewed him, it was radically different. It was like, man, he was assertive.
Alex Judd:There was a time where he banged the table. There was a time where he was, like, like... Oh, just raised his voice some, not at me, but talking with me and made really bold assertions. And I was like, what was going on? Did he just change who he was?
Alex Judd:And then I realized, oh, no. He didn't change who he was at all. It was the topic demanded a different style of communication because in the first interview, I was talking to him about his story, and I was talking to him about his life and about his career. And in the second interview, I was talking to him about running a debt free business. And here's what I learned is when you speak assertively about yourself, you're what's known as arrogant.
Alex Judd:Right? And if he were to come in and be bombastic and aggressive and all of that, talking about himself, I mean, we we all would have been turned off by that. He's way too wise and smart and honestly humble to do that. So when he was telling his story, he actually made very few assertions because he was just telling a story about himself. Now when he was talking about principles for wise living that weren't so personal to him but were more just focused on what he knows to be true about the way the world works and what he believes is rooted in God's truth for for life and money, man, he was spoken a way that was bold and confident and authoritative.
Alex Judd:Right? And so I say that to say that, man, if we're talking about ourselves, probably not very wise to be overly assertive because it's not gonna be very helpful. If we're talking about principles, though, and we're talking about things that are true, and specifically, if it's truth that is been revealed by God in his word and through his spirit, we don't have to be bombastic all the time by any means, but we can be assertive. We can be directive. Remember this.
Alex Judd:Your experience does not make you an authority. Your experience just means that you had an experience. However, if we can connect that experience and what we've learned to greater truths and principles that apply not just to us but do apply to everyone and then talk about those principles, we have the ability to be assertive in a way that still doesn't compromise our humility. So with that, what did we say? We said that effective coaching is assertive.
Alex Judd:And within assertiveness and curiosity, to combo those two, we need to exercise a lot of wisdom to know which quality to use at which time. And we certainly can't tell you when exactly to be asserted, but what we can do is grow in our understanding that healthy assertions are rare, healthy assertions are trustworthy, healthy assertions are humble, and healthy assertions are principle based. I believe so much in this topic because I've just seen over and over and over again how my life, my leadership, my business was changed because someone that cared about me delivered an assertion that changed the way that I was doing things. And, man, it wasn't just that they asked me a bunch of questions. Rather, they made a bold, authoritative, confident assertion in my best interest and changed my life.
Alex Judd:And so what's so cool and why I get so passionate about this is because that's the opportunity that you and I have to do for the people that we're investing in, for the people that we're leading, for the people we're mentoring, and the people that we're coaching. Healthy coaching is assertive. Let's go. Well, there you have it. Thanks so much for joining us for this episode.
Alex Judd:If you want any of the information or resources that we mentioned, that's all in the show notes. Hey, before you go, could I ask you for one quick favor? Could you subscribe, rate, and review this podcast episode? Your feedback is what helps our team engage in a sequence of never ending improvement. We wanna amplify what's valuable to you and obviously reduce or even remove the things that aren't.
Alex Judd:Also, you leaving a positive review is what helps us connect with, build trust with, and serve other leaders around the country. So thanks in advance for helping us out on that front. Are you a leader that wants to grow your business in a healthy way, serve people exceptionally well, and glorify God in the process. Go to pathforgrowth.com to get more information about our community of impact driven leaders and schedule a call with our team. Hey, thank you so much to the Path for Growth team, Kyle Cummings and the crew at Podcircle, and the remarkable leaders that are actively engaged in the Path for Growth community.
Alex Judd:Y'all are the people that make this podcast possible. Y'all know this. We're rooting for you. We're praying for you. We wanna see you win.
Alex Judd:Remember, my strength is not for me. Your strength is not for you. Our strength is for service. Let's go. Let's go.
Alex Judd:Let's go.
