Great Leaders Are Great Coaches — Part 2: Relational Coaching
Good leaders make you better at your job. Great leaders will make you better at your life. If you're in a coaching conversation with someone and maybe that person is an employee of yours that you're working on developing that you're trying to bring the best out of, don't just focus on making them a better worker. What if you were to expand the nature of the relationship to, man, we're gonna focus on making you a a better man or woman, a better mom or dad, a better parent, a better husband or wife, a stronger Christ follower, a stronger community member? What if you didn't just focus on this person's output as a unit of production, but rather what what if you expanded it and you said, man, I'm actually gonna invest in making this person better at your life?
Alex Judd:Okay. So in episode one in this series, one of the things that we stated is that the best leaders wear many hats, and I bet you relate to this. You wear the hat of vision caster, a manager, a teacher, mediator, CEO, facilitator. Sometimes you wear the hat of friends. Sometimes you might wear the hat of of counselor, pastor, and therapist all at once.
Alex Judd:Right? You wear so many different hats, and and there's places for all of those hats. But one of the most impactful hats and roles that you can play as a leader, the argument that we made is, man, if you wanna be a great leader, then you've gotta be a great coach. And one of the things that I've learned to be true over my time in the leadership space is so often we think that our greatest impact is gonna come from our vision conversations where we're casting big vision, and we're getting speeches about where the company is going or where the team is going. And I think there's obviously value and power to a casting vision, and I think it's really important.
Alex Judd:But what what I've often found is that the greatest transformation often doesn't come from your vision conversations. The greatest transformation, development, and growth of your people often comes from your coaching conversations. And here's what I wanna encourage you on is, like, there's a difference between refining and revolutionizing. What you're gonna hear over the course of the next episode is not like this unbelievably shockingly new idea that it's like, oh my gosh. I've never even thought about adopting that quality before or engaging in that practice before.
Alex Judd:I actually think you're gonna hear a lot of stuff that that is a reminder to you. But, man, I think it was Socrates that first said learning is remembering. And so our goal is not to revolutionize anything about the way that you lead in this. Rather, our our job, our focus in these episodes is simply to refine. It is to apply a greater sense of intent and greater degree of intentionality to some of the things that you're already doing.
Alex Judd:I I shared in the introduction episode, which if you haven't listened to, I think that really sets the table for where we're going with this series. I I shared in that introduction episode that in so many ways, one one of our jobs is we train coaches to become coaches because we hire business owners, and they don't necessarily have coaching experience. They have business ownership and real world leadership experience, and they come in to focus on training and coaching other leaders. And and so what we often focus on is not teaching this... Them these skills that I'm about to talk to you about from scratch.
Alex Judd:Right? Because we wouldn't hire them if we had to teach them from scratch. Rather, it's refining. And what's so cool is anytime I focus on the content we're about to look at is, like, I level up because where my, intention goes, there my attention goes, and when... Whatever I give more attention to, well, what you look at moves.
Alex Judd:And so what I want you to focus on, especially in this episode, the relational episode, is, man, how do I how do I just apply a greater degree of intentionality to being a relational coach? And that's the first quality. I'll give you all five, but then we're really gonna focus on the first one in this episode. What are great coaches? Great coaches are relational.
Alex Judd:They're curious. They're assertive. They're directional, and they're principle based. So all of these qualities are gonna have kind of a a thesis principle with them. And here's the principle associated with being a relational coach.
Alex Judd:People don't care what you know until they know that you care. Here's what I would argue to be true is if leadership is helping people go from here to there, well, you can't really take people anywhere effectively or positively until they actually know that you care. They won't follow you sustainably over time. And so as a leader and as a coach, it's your responsibility to persuade people that you actually care. Now there are a lot of different ways that you can do this, and there are books written and podcasts that are recorded that, like, these are the the best tools and tactics to convince people that you care.
Alex Judd:And I... In some ways, I just think that is so stupid. That is so dumb because I'll give you I'll give you the single best tactic for convincing people that you care, actually care. Right? I mean, is it...
Alex Judd:Why do we need all of these hacks and tricks and tactics? Like, oh, if you do this, people will think you care about them. Oh my gosh. It's so dumb. It's just ludicrous.
Alex Judd:It's wrong. Right? What we have to do is we have to remember, man, that person sitting across from me is a human being. They were made in the image of God. They have a soul.
Alex Judd:This is not just a body with bones and water and guts inside of it. It's gruesome. Right? No. This person has a soul.
Alex Judd:They have dreams. They have fears. They have hopes. They have aspirations. Beyond that, they have other people that depend on them.
Alex Judd:And, man, when we reimmerse ourselves into the gift and power that, man, leadership, you can't have leadership without relationship, and and effective leaders believe that people are the point. Oh my gosh. What will well inside of you, well up inside of you as a leader and as a coach is you will start to actually care. But but that can sound kinda frou frou. It can sound kinda fluffy.
Alex Judd:I would just so encourage you. You gotta you gotta remind yourself on a regular basis, especially even when or especially when things are really busy that I love people. And and sometimes you gotta say it till you start doing it. I love people. I love people.
Alex Judd:I love people. It's a little bit of a tangent, but I think it's worth sharing. There was there was one time where I I was still working for Dave Ramsey's company, Ramsey Solutions. And I went to a book signing that was happening down the road at the end of the day, and I I just stood in the back because I was interested to see it was one of the Ramsey personalities doing a book signing. And I I just kinda stood in the back because I wanted to see their presentation, and then I wanted to see how the audience interacted with it.
Alex Judd:And it was a great presentation. The audience clapped at the end, and then they opened it up for q and a. And I'll never forget. It was around the time that they started opening up for q and a that someone came and stood right next to me. And they were just listening on their head as well.
Alex Judd:And I looked next to me, and much to my surprise, the person standing next to me was Dave Ramsey himself. And I I stood up a little bit straighter. My posture got a little bit better because it's not every day. You're standing and listening to something, and the CEO of the $250,000,000 company stands right next to you. And I'll never forget, a couple questions got asked.
Alex Judd:And then this woman raised her hand, and and she said, I I I get everything you're talking about. I I think it's probably really practical, really effective, but it's all about people. And what do you do? I just don't like people. I just...
Alex Judd:Ugh. I I can get on board with all of the actions you're talking about, but I just... Ugh. I'm just so tired of people. And and what was interesting, this was so fascinating to me, is the room kinda chuckled and laughed a little bit at that.
Alex Judd:And she kinda chuckled and laughed herself, but but Dave did not laugh at all. I'll never forget this. Dave just looked over at me, and he just had this incredible sense of authenticity in his eyes. And he just said, man, that is so sad. He just said, how can you not like people?
Alex Judd:People are the point. And I'll never forget that moment because I think it was in that moment that I I kind of drew a conclusion about what makes him as effective as he is in all of the roles that he plays, whether that's the CEO, the massive scaling company, whether it's father and dad, or whether it's the the radio personality that's on the radio for, you know, millions of people every single week for three hours every single day. Right? And he's so effective in all of these different arenas. And I think about just how is he so effective?
Alex Judd:And it's like, oh, he, like, actually cares about people. And it's wild how far that thing alone can carry you. But, man, I will tell you, it is tempting and easy for me to get in this spot of like, oh, I just don't like people. No. That is that is immature, and it's irresponsible, and and it's not what God designed us for.
Alex Judd:People are the point. The first and greatest commandment is this, Jesus said, love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And then what's really interesting is after that, he says, the second one is like it. That's interesting. The second one is like it.
Alex Judd:Love your neighbor as yourself. He's saying love people. But isn't that interesting that he says the second one is like it? Because in that, what he's actually saying is loving people is like loving God. The two go hand in hand.
Alex Judd:They complement each other. And in some ways, you can't have one without the other. Okay. So what's the best way to care about people actually care? And we've talked about people don't care what you know until they know that you care.
Alex Judd:Let... Let's go even one step forward. People don't care what you know until you show that you care. Like, you have to put some feet to your aspirations in some ways. And why is this so necessary in the context of coaching conversations?
Alex Judd:Well, I I will tell you, like, I mean, within our team, right, one on one coaching is kind of the core of our business in so many ways. And there are people that share things with us in coaching conversations that they have not shared with anyone else. Maybe that's because they're afraid to. Maybe it's because it hasn't come up yet, or maybe sometimes it's because literally on a call, they are unearthing things that they haven't figured out before about their leadership, about their business, about their lives, about their mindset, about their attitude. Right?
Alex Judd:And people will share things with us that that they haven't shared with anyone before. And I bet if you get good at coaching, if you master the five qualities that we're gonna walk through over the course of this series, you will have people in your life that will share things with you that they have not shared with anyone else before. And I and I will tell you this. I see this happen over and over again. When that happens, they are watching you.
Alex Judd:They are watching you to see how you respond. They are watching you to see what is your character in this moment. How do you respond in this moment? Do you actually care about me? And the way that you respond in those moments will either erode or completely build and uplift your trust and uplift the relationship.
Alex Judd:So what we have to understand is that your coaching demands your character. Your coaching demands your character. Right? We have had people share with us their... Some of their greatest fears.
Alex Judd:We've had people share with us things about, you know, their most intimate relationships being their marriage, right, and their relationship with their kids, that those relationships aren't where they want them to be. We've had people share with us before that they don't know if their business is gonna make it, and they don't know if they're gonna make payroll. We've had people share with us before that we're... We we've had a coach on a call before that that coach was the first person that a person told that they had been diagnosed with cancer. And, man, in that moment, if people share that stuff with you, they are watching you, and what they are looking for is your character.
Alex Judd:And the way they kinda deduce what your character is is does this person actually care? And so what do you have to do as as a a great coach? You have to be the type of person that people can trust with the most sensitive information. And what we have to remember is that trust is built with consistency. It always starts with relationship, and it's always built with consistency.
Alex Judd:So so what we talk about today, we're gonna talk about six different parts of relational coaching. It... It's nice if you do it once, but that's not gonna create trust. It's the compounding value of showing up every single day, not being a person that's perfect at these qualities, but being a person, a leader, a coach that's committed to these qualities and that shows up making deposits every single day, that's what's gonna build trust, and that's really an essential part of relational coaching. So I told you that we're gonna walk through six characteristics.
Alex Judd:Here they are. I'm gonna give them to you high level, and then we're gonna break down each one and talk about what it practically looks like in a coaching conversation, a conversation where you're trying to unleash the best in other people. Number one, holistic. Number two, context sensitive. Three, intentional, committed to listening, empathetic, and fun.
Alex Judd:Holistic, context sensitive, intentional, committed to listening, empathetic, and fun. Okay. Let's start with holistic. Here's what I want you to understand about coaching. Let's actually make it about leadership.
Alex Judd:Good leaders make you better at your job. Great leaders will make you better at your life. And here's what I wanna challenge you to do is if you're in a coaching conversation with someone, and maybe that person is an employee of yours that you're working on developing that you're trying to bring the best out of, don't just focus on making them a better worker. What if you were to expand the nature of the relationship to man? We're gonna focus on making you a a better man or woman, a better mom or dad, a better parent, right, a better husband or wife, a stronger Christ follower, a stronger community member, more physically fit and active, more more intellectually aware of the things that are going on in their personal growth and their financial life and their emotional health.
Alex Judd:Right? What if you didn't just focus on this person's output as a unit of production, but rather what what if you expanded it and you said, man, I'm actually gonna invest in making this person better at your life. Now, obviously, you have to use wisdom and nuance, and and you have to be really kind of thoughtful in how you broach these conversations because this gets really personal really quick. But what if you started to view this person not just as a player on the team, but as a whole person? Man, you know, I'm I'm a huge college football fan, and, you know, I went to the University of Texas, hook them horns.
Alex Judd:And one of the greatest coaching icons at the University of Texas was Mac Brown, and that guy is just a legend. And if you listen to... He won the national championship in 2005. And if you listen to any of the players that played on that 2005 team, whenever they talk about Mac, one of the things that they will almost always say is that, like, man, whenever I think about Mac Brown, what I always think about, he didn't just coach the player. He coached the person.
Alex Judd:That's so good. Don't just coach the player. Coach the person. It's gotta be holistic. Next, number two, great coaching is context sensitive.
Alex Judd:Your coaching will be its most effective when you have the greatest possible understanding of the context that the person is operating in. Here's where I really had to learn this. This is actually kind of tough to admit because it took me way too long to understand this. There were a couple years where I had been coaching people in a virtual environment. Right?
Alex Judd:And I I would totally be coaching virtually, and I I actually thought I had a pretty good understanding. I had a pretty good kinda mental scaffolding of what this person's world looked like. Right? I I kind of had a a canvas in my mind that I had kind of filled with, like, all the details of they've talked about this person a little bit. They've talked about the leadership team a little bit.
Alex Judd:They've talked about their office and how things are structured a little bit. They talked a little bit about kinda where they live and how how that interplays with their work and stuff like that. And and I kind of would carry this idea of I understand. I understand what's going on in their world, and this was all virtual. And then, man, I would go out to their job site or to their office, just to visit them for a team training or something like that.
Alex Judd:It'd be the first time I visit them in person, and it was like, oh my gosh. One of the first realizations I had was, oh my gosh. I thought I understood, but I actually had no clue. I had filled in all these contextual gaps on my own. I had made assumptions in so many ways about what was actually going on.
Alex Judd:And in so many ways, I realized I didn't have a clue. My my greatest mistake was I thought I understood, and I didn't actually understand. And the minute I started to gain understanding, the effectiveness of our coaching relationship dramatically increased. And so here's what I've learned is, man, if you're gonna be a great coach, go into the relationship with the belief in your head, I do not understand. Do not fill any blanks on this canvas of this person's life, of their thoughts, of their history, of their business, of any of that.
Alex Judd:Right? Rather, you have a blank canvas in front of you, and your job... We're gonna get into this more in the next quality, which is curious, but your job is to ask great questions that draw out all of the answers that fill in all the blank space on that canvas. Here's why this is so important. Have you ever been this person that, man, you you come with a problem or a challenge to someone or maybe it's to a group of people, and you come with that problem or that challenge, and then someone just dumps advice on you.
Alex Judd:And and they didn't ask anything about the context. They don't really really understand where you're coming from. They don't really get what you're actually looking for. And you listen and you nod your head, and they just dump answers and dump answers and dump answers. And then finally, they pause, and really, basically, what you're left with is like, I really appreciate that idea, but it doesn't apply at all to my situation.
Alex Judd:Right? Have you ever been in that spot, or have you ever been that person? Like, that sucks. We don't wanna do that. And so, man, always extracting context.
Alex Judd:And what's so cool is that there's a compounding value of context. This is what I always tell our customers is that, man, if you start coaching with one of our coaches, the the first coaching call will be will be good. Oh my gosh. The tenth, eleventh, twelfth coaching call, the value of the shared context over time. Because, man, I...
Alex Judd:I've had coaches in the past, and I have mentors that I talk to right now. And and when I work with them over time and continually add to the context bucket... Because that's what every coaching conversation is is we're making a deposit in the context bucket. What's so cool is I have people that I've been in, you know, coaching, development, mentorship relationships for several years now, and they can point back to tendencies, to previous decisions, to mistakes that I've made, to things that I often fail to consider. And, man, in in so many ways, I I feel like sometimes they are literally the ones that are reminding me of God's faithfulness in the past and how that's playing out in my present.
Alex Judd:That's only possible if we engage in the compounding value of context. That's why consistency is so key in any coaching relationship. You know, as another practical thing here that I would say is, man, if you're gonna be context sensitive, like, it's really good and helpful to know, like, when are people's birthdays and when are anniversaries and, like, you know, what's their spouse's name and what are their kids' names and what do they like to do on the weekends. Right? That goes into holistic too, but that's important stuff in people's lives that provides context that if you miss those things, in so many ways, they're not gonna be able to hear the other things that you say.
Alex Judd:So relational coaching is holistic, number one. It's context sensitive. And then number three, it's intentional. Now this is something that's unique about our relationship, but I think it can be extrapolated into your coaching relationships as well. I am keenly aware that when people come to me or when people come to our company to coach them on their business, leadership, and life, they are paying us money.
Alex Judd:And I take that very seriously. Right? Because that's an investment that people are making. And one of the things that I feel like I am committing to whenever I accept that investment on their behalf is I am responsible for driving. Now, obviously, like, I'm going to get context from them on what they're focused on, what their objectives are, what's going on in their world, what are the problems that they're facing, what are the challenges that they're thinking about.
Alex Judd:But, man, like, there's so many coaching companies out there that, like, basically, the coaching agenda is, what do you wanna talk about? And that's not effective coaching because effective coaching, relational coaching is intentional. And so I think it's on me to kinda take... We we do a prep form ahead of time. Right?
Alex Judd:And and we take a prep form from our coaching customers, and they fill that out, and they talk to us about what's going on in their world. They submit prep form. And then on the back end of that prep form, like, I think it's on me to to think through and journal through and and pray through. Man, what are the questions that I wanna ask? What are the big three priorities out of this that we need to focus on?
Alex Judd:What are what are kind of the ideas or the concepts or the resources that we need to bring up to help this person navigate this situation and to help this person ultimately move forward? But here's the deal. Regardless of what the other person provides me, I'm the coach in this situation, so I'm showing up with an agenda with some very clear objectives of here's what's we're... What we're going to talk about, and here's what we're going to accomplish. It's it's best...
Alex Judd:It's absolutely best if we can collaborate together in defining those, But what we can't do is just show up and be like, well, what do you wanna talk about? Because that's not an intentional conversation at all. Here's what I will tell you is conversations, most conversations, they don't accidentally drift into being meaningful. And I know that if you're looking to be a coach in someone's life, if you're looking to unleash the best in others, one of the vehicles that we do that through is conversation. That's relational coaching in so many ways, and that's gotta be meaningful conversation.
Alex Judd:And how do we establish intent for our time together? So it's holistic, context sensitive, intentional. Next, it's characterized by a commitment to listening. Effective leaders are effective communicators. You know that to be true.
Alex Judd:And here's what else I want you to know. Effective communicators are intentional listeners. And so if you're gonna be a great coach, you you have to listen. And what I would tell you is you should listen to everything. You should listen to what's being said.
Alex Judd:You should also listen to what's not being said. And you should listen for everything in between. I'll tell you, some of my most powerful moments that I've ever had in a coaching call come on the other side of someone shares something, and then they just take this deep breath. They go, and and I I hear that breath, and I I literally... I've said this so many times.
Alex Judd:I just say, that was a good breath. And, man, there's something about that phrase acknowledging I see you. I see what you did there, and then they'll kind of maybe even go a little bit further on what's actually driving them, what's going on in their heart, in their head that is serving as either lack of clarity or presence and conflict that's keeping them from where they need to go. And so as a leader, how do you listen? Well, what does it look like to listen well?
Alex Judd:Here's some tools that I want you to have in your back pocket. Number one is nonverbal communication. Maybe nod your head. Maybe smile. Don't just have a blank face.
Alex Judd:Right? In so many ways, if your goal is to keep people talking so that they can verbally process through what they're working on, then nonverbal communication can cause that to happen. The other tactic would be verbal communication. Now I almost hesitated to put this because you can way over index on this. Right?
Alex Judd:But what verbal communication is is saying that's right or yes. That's good. Yes. And what was so neat is that oftentimes we think we need to have this absurdly original response, but oftentimes you can just say, that's right. Keep going on that or tell me more about that.
Alex Judd:Verbal communication that, again, helps people verbally process. I'll tell you. So often we think that people are coming to us for answers from a coaching perspective, and certainly, we always need to kinda result in actions or decisions. But more often than not, people are coming to you to listen to them. Here's what I found to be true in our coaching relationships is that two things have to exist for for a coaching relationship to be really, really effective and really, really successful.
Alex Judd:Number one is the person has to have the idea in their head that they get me. This coach, this leader, this mentor, they get me. They understand where I'm coming from. If they don't believe that, they're not gonna be able to receive your advice. And that goes back to everything we said about context sensitive.
Alex Judd:Right? They get me. And then number two is certainty of success, which means they can help me get to where I need to go. And, man, you listening is part of what helps you show people that you understand. This is critically important on listening.
Alex Judd:It blew my mind whenever I I I heard Henry Cloud say this. He said, as a listener, your job is not to understand. And I I just thought for a second, like, as a listener, my job isn't to understand. I thought that that was the whole point of listening. What do you what do you mean my job isn't to understand?
Alex Judd:Well, like, the objective is not to understand. What does that even mean? But here's what's so powerful. He said, the objective... As a leader and as a listener, the objective is not to understand.
Alex Judd:As a leader, the objective is for them to understand that you understand. Because if I get it, if I got it, but they don't get that I've got it, they're not gonna act on it. And so as a leader, I've gotta be a great listener, and we've gotta get to this point. And you could see it when it happens where they understand that I understand. Nonverbal communication, verbal communication, specific questions.
Alex Judd:We're gonna go into that so much on the next episode, which is the curious quality. But, man, the quality of your conversations always reflects the quality of your questions. And so what are the questions that you are asking? Asking? Paraphrasing.
Alex Judd:So paraphrasing is basically just saying what I hear you saying is. Man, this gets used so often in our weekly coaching calls. It's community coaching called office hours where someone will come with a problem or a challenge, and and it'll literally sound something like this. They say, like, oh, man. There's just so much going on right now.
Alex Judd:The company's growing, but, you know, we just made this new hire. And I'm a little bit questioning whether this new hire is a fit within the values, but it's good because we're growing and they're actually contributing the revenue already, and they're only sixty days in. But, however, I I actually don't know if it's them that's not contributing to the values or living out the values or if the department they're in is struggling with the values, and and... But some of that is that, like, we kinda just rolled out the values and refined them just a handful weeks ago, and also they're just getting onboarded. And and then beyond all of that, like, there's a little bit of dissension within the team just because things are moving so fast, and so I don't really know how much of this do I need to address right now specifically in the moment for...
Alex Judd:Versus how much of that do I actually need to play out. And then beyond all of that, like, we've got a ton of things that we need to focus on in our priorities, like, with the strategic plan for the company right now. And I can't really spend that much time on culture, so it's just really stressing me out. Right? Now that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but not that much.
Alex Judd:Right? People will just come in. I've done this before. Right? They'll just dump all of this stuff, and it's like, oh my gosh.
Alex Judd:What do they even just say? And here's what's so helpful in that moment is if you, as a great coach, as a great leader, as a great listener, is if you can just say, okay. So what I hear you saying is things are moving really fast right now, and there's a lot of complexity associated with that between the priorities that you're focused on and also the culture of the team that's driving that growth, and you're trying to figure out what to focus on moving forward. Now what's so cool is a lot of the times, if if you concisely paraphrase the statement with the phrase, what I hear you saying is, you'll you'll watch that person, and they'll just go, and they'll say, you just said in one sentence what took me, like, ten minutes to explain. That's the whole point.
Alex Judd:Right? Like, I need that. You need that. We all need that. Right?
Alex Judd:Sometimes the first time we say it is really clunky, but it's so helpful to say it so we can get it out. So that often happens. They'll they'll take a deep breath. Their their shoulders will lower, and they'll say, oh my gosh. You totally get me.
Alex Judd:Or what they might say is, no. That's not it at all. What I'm trying to say is... And what I want you to understand is that both are equally valuable. Right?
Alex Judd:Them saying, oh my gosh. You totally get me is super valuable. But them also saying like, no. That... That's not what I'm aiming at.
Alex Judd:Here's what I'm aiming at is what they always fire... Like, end up at, ensures alignment. And with alignment, we can move forward together. Next is mirroring. There's so many stories I could tell you about effective mirroring.
Alex Judd:And if you wanna learn more about this tactic, I would read the book Never Split The Difference. But but what I want you to understand with regard to listening and mirroring is that in coaching conversations, you'll you'll find this to be true. The best answers are always almost always three answers deep. So so we think we need to ask all of these absurdly original questions one right after another, and we just need to stack them up, and that's gonna be what produces this incredibly impactful, meaningful, transformational, directional conversation. In reality, what what is typically more effective in my experience is you ask maybe one helpful question.
Alex Judd:And then on the back end of that, you you just basically say three to four words of what they just said back to them with a curious tone. And here's what this looks like. So maybe the question is, tell me about one of the greatest challenges going on in your business right now. Oh gosh. Well, in so many ways, I think it's that we've got this a player that just...
Alex Judd:They they haven't been hitting it lately. Haven't been hitting it lately? Yeah. I mean, they just used to be so good. And just, like, most recently, they keep showing up, and it's like they're there, but it's kinda haphazard, and their results are starting to suffer.
Alex Judd:And I I think, like, I'm not even the only one that's noticing anymore. Other people are noticing. Other people are noticing? Yeah. I mean, people have come up to me and saying...
Alex Judd:Said that, like, hey. There seems to be some issues of, like, them meeting commitments and them falling through on their deadlines, and I'm starting to worry about them. Starting to worry about them? Yeah. Well, you know, some stuff has kinda come out about their family, and and there's some stuff with their marriage that seems a little bit off.
Alex Judd:And and I... Some of it just seems really, really personal, but I I think it's really starting to affect their work more than it even has in the past. More than it has in the past. You see what I'm doing there? Is, man, you you don't always have to have this absurdly original question.
Alex Judd:And I know you're, like, listening to this podcast. You're like, Alex is literally having a conversation with himself right now. Right? But you get what's happening there is it's just a curious tone. It's just the three words that they just said, and it has blown my mind over and over and over again how deep people will go and how much you can serve people by just mirroring back to them the last three to four words of what they just said.
Alex Judd:Oh my gosh. It's so powerful. It helps them verbally process what they're going through, and it... People feel validated and they feel listened to, and that's gonna keep them talking in so many ways. Man, when people talk more, you can serve them better.
Alex Judd:And then finally, labeling. Labeling is calling attention to the emotion. So so later in any coaching conversation, if you really get into the gold, there's always gonna be emotions, and emotions are almost always driving our behaviors. That's really important to understand. And so if anyone ever uses emotional language, like, I'm afraid that, I'm concerned that, I'm stressed about, I'm anxious about, I'm angry at, I'm upset that.
Alex Judd:Right? I'm I'm excited that. Right? Any emotional language, I would always key in on that and ask questions about that because the emotions are where the power are. And if they're saying emotional words, that means that there's things that are in the heart.
Alex Judd:What does the bible say? It says out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And so if we can get to the heart of the issue, oh my goodness, you're gonna learn so much about what's actually driving that person, and that's how you can actually help that person. So so those are some tools to to effective listening. Nonverbal communication, verbal communication, specific questions, paraphrasing, nearing labeling.
Alex Judd:Here's what I will tell you is it is wild to me. We we work on this a lot as a coaching team, and so much of effective coaching is effective listening. And if you just get more intentional about focusing on just some of these tactics, right, it will blow your mind what people will tell you. Because people... I mean, across the board, I believe this to be true.
Alex Judd:People are longing to be listened to, and so many people don't have the time right now. What if you were that leader that invested the time to listen effectively? K. Let's do two more. Great coaches, relational coaches are empathetic.
Alex Judd:There needs to be times with wisdom where in a coaching relationship, you just kinda mentally say, what would it look like to put myself in their shoes right now? What would it feel like to put myself in their shoes right now? And what that gives us the ability to do is the ability to validate someone. And so when I use the word validation, there's a there's a great book on this that our our team has read and our coaches read. I believe it's called I I see you or it's I hear you.
Alex Judd:I think it's I hear you. And it's a great book on effective listening. It's a great book on validation is so often people come to us with a challenge or a problem, and we think what they need from us is an answer or an encouragement. And sometimes what what they need from us and what's actually most helpful is, ugh, that is so hard. And it is wild.
Alex Judd:That... That's not where the conversation has to end, especially if it's a directional coaching conversation. But, man, what I will tell you is you will build trust with the person whenever they say this person gets me. And one of the ways that you can do that is when you can express to them the feeling that they're likely feeling, and you can be in the fight with them, that you can feel it with them. How else do do you express empathy or do you show empathy?
Alex Judd:Make great eye contact. It was so interesting for me to learn that, man, standard operating procedure for a lot of us today is to not actually look into people's eyes, is to look just, man, a couple inches above their eyes, little a little bit like kinda right around their eyebrows or their forehead. And we kinda kinda look just above their eyes. Why is that? Because it's it's less vulnerable.
Alex Judd:It's less committed. It's less invested. Man, people notice when you make direct eye contact, deliberate eye contact, And people will feel cared for. They'll feel listened to. You can show incredible empathy when you look them dead in the eyes and listen to what's going on in their world.
Alex Judd:And then the final thing I would tell you is what we've already talked about at the beginning of this episode is remember, you're just listening to a person. You're listening to a soul. And we have to up the stakes on our listening, and we have to feel empathy with people. We want them to understand that we're in the fight with them or to believe that we're in the fight with them. And the best way for them to believe that we're in the fight with them is to be in the fight with them.
Alex Judd:Right? And so, man, I I have a mentor that anytime we have an exchange, whether it's in person, via text, phone call, anything, he always closes it out by saying, man, I'm in your corner. And whether people say that or not, man, you want them to feel that. I'm in your corner. I am with you in this.
Alex Judd:That's effective coaching because that's empathetic. And then finally, I wanted to close with this one. It's holistic. It's context sensitive. It's intentional.
Alex Judd:It's characterized by commitment to listening. It's empathetic. And then finally, relational coaching is fun. Right? Man, I will tell you, laughter is one of the things that will open the door to all other things.
Alex Judd:I will tell you, obviously, using context and nuance and wisdom within this, like, if there's situational things that prevent this, I'm not gonna do this. But one of my goals on a call is typically in the first five minutes, I'm gonna try having us both laughing. Because, again, laughter is the one thing that opens the door to all other things. And so much of business and leadership and life and work, it can just become this consistent burden that feels stressful, that feels like an obligation. That's what people can get into.
Alex Judd:And what we wanna lift their eyes to in coaching conversations is, man, there's so much to be grateful for, and we can talk about big, hard, challenging things and preserve a sense of playfulness in the conversation. And and so what I will tell you is, like, man, part part of the health of a team is the ability to be playful, the ability to laugh, the ability to be a little bit sarcastic, the ability to have fun together. Right? The ability to tease each other a little bit. The the ability to laugh at our mistakes, to take what we do seriously, but not to take ourselves too seriously.
Alex Judd:And as a coach, as a leader, you can kind of take the lead in making that part of your conversation. And sometimes one of the best things you can do is just be willing to laugh at yourself in the conversation. Don't take yourself too seriously. Be willing to be playful yourself, and that'll bring that into the conversation. These conversations, if done right, man, they should be fun.
Alex Judd:They should be life giving because we're talking about development and growth and life and abundance. And that doesn't mean that we're not talking about hard things, but we can talk about hard things in a fun and healthy way, and that's gonna make these things consistent and sustainable. Okay. So so let's recap. People don't care what you know until they know that you care.
Alex Judd:And we could even reframe that and say people don't care what you know until you show that you care. And within that, well, the thing that we've gotta remember is that your coaching, if you're gonna care, it demands your character. Because it's character and consistency over time that will build trust. And that trust is gonna result in relationship. And within that relationship, what do we wanna exercise?
Alex Judd:We wanna exercise coaching that's holistic, it's context sensitive, it's intentional, it's committed to listening, it's empathetic, and that it's fun. Y'all, we'll be back next week with a lesson on curious coaching. That'll be our next quality in this series. Let's go. Well, there you have it.
Alex Judd:Thanks so much for joining us for this episode. You want any of the information or resources that we mentioned, that's all in the show notes. Hey, before you go, could I ask you for one quick favor? Could you subscribe, rate, and review this podcast episode? Your feedback is what helps our team engage in a sequence of never ending improvement.
Alex Judd:We wanna amplify what's valuable to you and obviously reduce or even remove the things that aren't. Also, you leaving a positive review is what helps us connect with, build trust with, and serve other leaders around the country. So thanks in advance for helping us out on that front. Are you a leader that wants to grow your business in a healthy way, serve people exceptionally well, and glorify God in the process. Go to pathforgrowth.com to get more information about our community of impact driven leaders and schedule a call with our team.
Alex Judd:Hey, thank you so much to the Path for Growth team, Kyle Cummings and the crew at Podcircle, and the remarkable leaders that are actively engaged in the Path for Growth community. Y'all are the people that make this podcast possible. Y'all know this. We're rooting for you. We're praying for you.
Alex Judd:We wanna see you win. Remember, my strength is not for me. Your strength is not for you. Our strength is for service. Let's go.
Alex Judd:Let's go. Let's go.
